23rdMay: Feedback is so scary for me and over the past few days it has come to me in abundance from Yeshua and Mary.
So much reflection needs to take place. I have a choice, to find the real me as I have always intended (in my mind) or stay as I am and let the process begin in the spirit world.
I find it so difficult to believe that this is how my whole life has been since I was a child, but the more I feel into it and talk to God about finding the truth the more reality hits me. The spirits hooking into me have me on strings, I have been a puppet for them and they have used me for their own purposes because of my fear. How do I separate genuine loving men and women from the angry ones, for sixty years they have been the same for me, all I can do is keep praying for the truth.
I find myself examining every interaction with men, trying to discern which they are, loving or angry, am I being loving to that women or just pleasing, it is so scary. I keep going back over my life asking question of myself about some of the interactions I have had with some people, but I know that won’t help me go forward, it is what lies ahead that will help me change. I know I have this opportunity in Kenya, (away from my comfort zone) to make that change and I choose to grow my soul.
I want God in my life, I want truth, love, my soul mate and I want me, someone I don’t know.
24thMay: I took the plunge today, I wrote an email that I should have done before I left Australia, but didn’t because I now know it was fear. It was about a donation I had been given and felt it was given as a bribe or barter to do something. The reply I received had me in a panic; the response was of anger about my feelings and being told I was completely wrong and to look deeper into my feelings, I wasn’t being loved.
I went back to my tent and prayed and sat with the feeling surging through me. Was I wrong in sending it, my gut reaction was no, but in my head there was doubt.
25thMay: The next day I received another email which confirmed my feelings and wrote back saying that and explaining how I was feeling, rather than me blaming them.
28thMay: I am still in a place of not wanting to get into my fear and however much I try I cannot see it, my spirit friends with me are doing such a good job on me and I am not willing to challenge that which I don’t recognise. I know God is with me, but at the moment I would rather stay with the spirits, it’s what I know, it’s how it has always been.
The distractions come easily, especially the food. No matter how hard I challenge the urge to eat, I loose, the fear needs to be suppressed and I am in an environment that assists the spirits. With so many people around I have noticed a fear of judgement within me when I begin to feel anger or cry, I have to relocate.
I have had a longing to ‘go bush’ on the Maasai Mara for a while and talking with Justus about what is happening for me at the moment I asked if I could camp near his village, on his land and not just plonking myself somewhere. He readily agreed and gave me a list of ‘do’s and don’ts’ to keep me safe in his eyes, including sending him a text daily of my status and has said I can go and stay in his compound at anytime.
1stJune: Haryson my face book friend was traveling home today from university for a week and we decided to meet before he left Nairobi. It was really good to see him, a tall thin young man who was quite shy, a Maasai who hadn’t seen his family for five months. It seems the only way forward in Kenya is to leave your home and family from a very young age, something that many do as there are 2000 students in the university annex at Madagi where he is learning to be a doctor. He said his mum is not learn-ed, but is managing to fund his education, together with his two younger brothers at high school. She farms a small piece of land which supplies food for the family and a few animals that are sold to provide for education. His father died in an accident when he was in grade ten.
Meeting Haryson bought me back to reality, I choose to go on, back is impossible to contemplate.
2ndJune: I want to face these fears, so have decided to do a master cleanse when I first get there, really meet those fears head on and have somewhere to process and face the judgement (should it come), from the locals. There will be no temptations from food or internet, I really want to face my fears and if they want to, may be the spirits with me will face theirs.
I will spend the next few days getting ready, buying my supplies, water, lemons, etc,. The nearest shop is 10k walk away, something that Rose does most days as that is where the school is, not that I can get much there, charge my phone with power and credit, purchase maize, rice and beans together with local fare and hardware. As Justus has said, there needs are simple.
4thJune: So I am as ready as will ever be and I am leaving in the morning for Narok. There I will visit my friend Haryson and his family at his home on Thursday and then head on to the Maasai Mara.
God Is Good